Congratulations, however cautious, are in order to Liljdub1, a Pornhub user who has recently announced their retirement from the platform after finding love.
“Boys, I am not here to watch, but to announce my retirement. I have officially found the one person that is right for me,” the user wrote in a comment, a screenshot of which has recently made the rounds on social media. “She is brilliant, beautiful, and loyal. Every day I wake up and realise how happy she makes me. The reason I am done watching porn is because it feels wrong, almost as if I am cheating. I hope one day you guys that are reading this find the same thing I have.”
While, as many have pointed out, the comment may very well have been a joke, the sentiment has reignited an age-old (or at least internet-old) debate on the ethics of porn consumption within a monogamous relationship. While Liljdub1 did not disclose details regarding any potential monogamy agreement with their new lover, nor did they seem to indicate their “retirement” was anything other than self-imposed, the reference to porn feeling “wrong, almost as if I am cheating,” reflects a problematic, if common, conflation of porn consumption and infidelity.
To be clear, all couples have a right to define their monogamy agreements on their own terms — monogamy, or non-monogamy, isn’t a one-size-fits-all set of rules for all couples, and no two monogamy agreements are exactly the same. While any couple is well within their rights to declare porn consumption off-limits for one or both partners — assuming both parties consent to such an arrangement — I would caution that trying to restrict a partner’s porn watching by characterizing it as cheating infringes on that person’s right to their own solo sex life, which may end up having negative consequences for a couple’s partnered sex life as well.
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People who are sexually active have at least two distinct sex lives: one (or more) partnered, and one solo. While there may very well be some overlap between these two areas, everyone has a right to pursue sex with themselves as they so choose, including keeping parts of that sex life distinct from their sex life with a partner. Porn may not always be a part of everyone’s solo sex life — some people just aren’t that into porn — but it often is, and porn and other onanistic fantasies can be an important part of an individual’s sexual identity and sense of self. Everyone is entitled to a healthy solo sex life, one they shouldn’t have to sacrifice as a condition of their partnered one. As one reply to Liljdub’s comment noted, abstaining from porn as a condition of monogamy places the majority of one’s sexual needs on a partner, which may be “an unfair expectation” to put on anyone.
Moreover, giving your partner(s) the freedom to explore their own sexual fantasies and nurture their independent sex life could have benefits for your partnered sex life as well. Masturbation and solo fantasizing is an important part of figuring out what you do, and don’t, like in bed. That’s helpful knowledge to be able to bring to partnered sex, which can make it more enjoyable for everyone involved.
It’s also worth noting that if you have a partner who does enjoy watching porn, demanding they kick the habit as a condition of your monogamy agreement is probably only setting the relationship up for failure. Coding porn consumption as “cheating” may only encourage a partner to turn to it in secret, thus compromising the relationship, violating trust and turning a former source of pleasure into one of guilt.
As they say, the longest relationship of your life is the one you have with yourself, and that extends to your sex life, too. In all likelihood, you were having sex with yourself well before you began having sex with other people, and you’ll probably continue having sex with yourself long after you stop having sex with whoever you happen to be bedding at the moment. That’s true of you, and it’s true of anyone with whom you’re having sex.
Acknowledging that reality is an important part of being an adult who understands that other people — yes, even people you love and are committed to by the bounds of monogamy — are independent individuals with their own interior lives just as rich and unique as yours. In a healthy relationship, you should want your partner to be able to take pleasure, guilt-free, in the things they enjoy, with or without you. Yes, while all couples are entitled to define monogamy as they see fit, a healthy monogamy agreement should be one that acknowledges and respects both partners’ right to self-pleasure and a solo sex life of their own, and empowers each to explore and embrace it on their own terms.
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