I think I can say with (almost) complete certainty that every sexually active human has been asked for their “number” at some point. This conversation typically takes place between two new partners — often regardless of the seriousness of their relationship. The “number” in question is, of course, the number of people the other person has had sex with.
Let me give you a little inside information here, something so incredibly awesome that it could change the course of your sex life forever: It doesn’t fucking matter how many people your partner has had sex with. Shocking, I know.
Trying to suss out every single detail of a person’s history like a horny detective is rarely productive, and is likely to do more harm than good. “[In] the context of intimate relationships, when two partners are trying to build something together, it can create unnecessary bias in relationships,” explains Moushumi Ghose, MFT, a licensed sex therapist. Whether you’re conscious of it or not, asking someone for the numerical details of their sexual history is usually a one-way ticket to Judgment Town, which does not bode well for anyone desiring close connection.
Body count, like the concept of virginity, only has value because we give it value. It is a notion rooted in our sex-shaming, puritanical culture that despises sexual freedom of any kind. Your number of sexual partners does not, in any way, impact your value as a human being, nor does it actually provide any particularly meaningful insight into your (or your partner’s) sexual past.
Still, while body-count interrogations are often useless and rooted in retrograde, sex-negative views, that doesn’t mean all talk of sexual history between partners should be off the table. Talking about your sexual past in an open and honest way can be beneficial if the conversation is carried out with empathy and curiosity, as opposed to slut-shaming and judgment.
Take numbers out of the equation
While not everyone will automatically take offense at being asked their number, most sex-positive individuals will see that question as a red flag suggesting the asker has regressive ideas about the significance of a prospective partner’s body count. (Again, there is none.) For this reason, among others, Ghose says that any number-based questions should be kicked to the curb.
In addition to not actually providing any useful information regarding your partner’s feelings about their experiences, this kind of question is also likely to result in emotional discomfort for both the asker and their partner. You want to avoid questions that may cause jealousy because, seriously, what do you get from that? Negative feelings. Of course, we aren’t always sure what will or won’t cause jealousy. If you do experience these feelings, Sarah Melancon, Ph.D, a sociologist, clinical sexologist and resident expert at The Sex Toy Collective, says you should take ownership of your feelings and process them, rather than putting that onus on your partner.
Your feelings about someone’s sexual history belong to you and are your responsibility, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be honest. “Rationalize and try to control your emotions, but also express how you feel and that you are hurt,” says Gerhard Poppel, a clinical sexologist and co-founder of The Swann Center. In truly safe partnerships, it should be OK to discuss negative emotions while owning them.
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The only thing that really matters in regards to a persons’s past sexual partners is your partner’s current sexual health status. This is a perfectly valid thing to ask about. What’s more, it’s OK to ask for receipts (i.e., for someone’s most recent test results) if it is going to make you feel more comfortable.
Here’s the skinny though: It doesn’t mean shit if you’ve had sex with three people or 900 people. What matters is your sexual health, because all partners involved in a sexual encounter deserve to have the information they need to protect themselves and make sexual wellness choices that are right for them. It’s also worth noting that sexual health is not inherently related to a person’s number of previous sex partners, so there’s still zero reason to bring numbers talk into your sexual health screening.
Before asking your partner about their sexual history, it might be useful to first ask yourself why you want this information. What are you hoping to gain? What is it that you’re trying to accomplish? If you’re asking because you’re feeling insecure, you’re probably doing this for selfish reasons, which means you’re being an asshole. Don’t be an asshole. It isn’t cute. Your partner’s sexual past is nothing to be threatened by. It’s part of what made them the person you love (or at least the person you want to have sex with) today, and learning more about it can help you understand them better as a person, building trust and intimacy. The key is asking the right kinds of questions.
Open-ended questions allow for nuance and curiosity
Asking for a person’s number doesn’t actually tell you anything meaningful about their sexual past; you can’t distill the rich and nuanced nature of a person’s sex life into a single number. What can help you learn more about your partner’s past, however, is open-ended (and open-minded) questions about their experiences and desires. When it comes to talking about the past, sexual or otherwise, open questions allow for exploration of our partners’ (and our own) layered experiences.
When you ask open-ended questions, you “get to know a part of your partner’s life more deeply, and allow them to know you,” Melancon says. Additionally, questions that come from genuine interest and curiosity can help you learn what someone likes and doesn’t like during sex.
Here are some expert-approved, open-ended questions to help you get started.
General questions about your partner’s beliefs and values
“These are helpful for most people, even those who don’t want to get into past details,” says Melancon.
- What does sex mean to you?
- What do you like about sex? What don’t you like about sex?
- What is most important to you in a sexual relationship?
Questions about desire, fantasy and interests
- If you could do anything sexual and your partner would be on board, what would you want to do?
- What are your favorite fantasies?
- What are your biggest turn-offs?
- What makes sex great for you?
More detailed questions (which will likely center around other partners)
- What was your best sexual experience and why?
- What was your worst sexual experience and why?
Providing a safe space for these conversations is key
If you’re going to discuss sexual history, it needs to be within a space of curiosity, not judgment. Jealousy, judgment or a sense of inadequacy in comparison to your partner’s past can diminish the usefulness of this new information. Any gains you might have acquired are stunted by hostility. This is likely to cause a wedge in the relationship, when what you really wanted was a stronger sense of closeness and intimacy.
First having a conversation about having the conversation can help to set the tone. “As with all things sexual, you’re going to want to establish desires and boundaries for your sexual history conversation upfront,” says Stephen Quaderer, CEO of ThotExperiment, a digital ecosystem of modern platforms for sexual exploration. “When establishing boundaries, be sensitive and be sure to gauge your partners’ comfort level as you go.” And remember, consent for this conversation can be revoked at any time, if one or both parties is feeling uncomfortable.
This consideration has to go both ways. If you want to share your sexual past, “Ensure your new partner is ready and capable of hearing your experience, and [let them know] how they can support you,” says Dr. Valerie Poppel, a clinical sexologist and co-founder of The Swann Center.
Long story short: providing emotional safety allows interest and learning to take root. This can yield valuable understanding of who your partner is, both in bed and in relationships.
Lastly, remember that you (and your partner) aren’t obligated to discuss your sexual past AT ALL, if you (or they) don’t want to. “Your sexual and intimate relationships, past or present, are confidential and should be treated as such,” Ghose says. Sharing your sexual history with a partner is about building intimacy and trust, not forcing someone to talk about stuff they aren’t comfortable discussing.
Be considerate, think through the “why,” and be willing to be vulnerable. After all, vulnerability and communication are two of the sexiest things on the planet.
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