After listening to a friend recount a “demoralizing” one-night stand, as she described it, I started thinking about hookup etiquette. As someone who engages in casual sex, and often substance-infused casual sex, I have been in grey-ish areas myself. These situations don’t feel particularly nefarious, but they’re also not sexual experiences I get excitement or satisfaction from. Hooking up with a stranger for the first time — especially as someone with a vulva — is never going to be firework-inducing, but it also shouldn’t leave anyone feeling put off or uncomfortable.
The main issue, I believe, comes from a lack of communication before engaging in these spur-of-the-moment sexual encounters. No one wants to kill the mood with talk of STD/STI status and condom usage. Oftentimes, though, men don’t want to use condoms, and this can put the woman they’re having sex with in a precarious position. Like many women, I’ve had men tell me condoms are uncomfortable, that they can’t finish with one on. It then falls to me to make the decision: be a killjoy and force this guy to wear a condom, or put his comfort over mine and forgo one.
Men Aren’t Asking Women Questions on Dates. It’s a Problem.
“The cashiers at Trader Joe’s ask more questions than guys on dates nowadays.”Then, there are situations where a hookup with a stranger feels like it’s moving too fast or getting too intense. With a different, more familiar partner, kinkier acts like dirty talk or physicality (light spanking, choking, etc.) can be welcomed and encouraged, but with someone you’ve just met, it can be jarring, inappropriate and even scary. When confronted with objections to these sexual escalations, men will often respond slightly dumbfounded, citing that a past partner enjoyed it, and therefore they assumed every woman did.
“Partners should always ask and not assume. In fact, if you’re with a brand-new hookup, no one should ever assume anything,” Angie Rowntree, founder and director of Sssh.com, a site for sex-positive, ethical porn made from a woman’s point of view, tells me. “When it comes to sex, whether it’s casual or in a relationship, we really cannot stress enough the importance of open and honest communication.”
If you’re a man who engages in casual sex, or might find yourself taking someone home after a night out in the future, I’ve compiled a list of one-night stand rules you should abide by. With the help of Rowntree and sexologist Marla Renee Stewart, MA, who works with the sexual wellness brand Lovers, here’s everything you need to know to make sure your next spontaneous sexual escapade is a pleasurable, safe and comfortable experience for both you and your partner.
1. Before clothes come off or lines get blurry, have a frank discussion about what you’re both looking for
Angie Rowntree: This is true even if it’s just for one evening. In fact, we would argue that one-night stands need to be very crystal clear in order to ascertain whether there is informed and enthusiastic consent between both parties. In any case, you shouldn’t blush or bat an eye when it comes to asking them about their last STI test, or telling them straight up, “I’m good with this but don’t do this.” Or: “Don’t pinch my nipples, no choking and I don’t do butt stuff.” Someone worth hooking up with will actually listen to you and respond with something like, “Okay, cool. What about X, Y, Z — are we good with that?” If they roll their eyes at your boundaries, politely leave. In general, good sexual partners actively listen to each other and also pay attention to non-verbal cues. If someone does not care about your pleasure or comfort, well, it’s time to move on.
2. When it comes to dirty talk and kinkier acts, never, ever assume. Always ask.
Marla Renee Stewart: Always talk to your potential lover about what kind of dirty talk they are into. Nothing is worse than going into a random situation and then having someone engage in dirty talk that doesn’t turn you on. Be explicit about what you like — directions? Challenges? Romantic? — and how that person can achieve the best way to dirty talk to you and vice versa. This prevents you from having bad sexual experiences and also helps you with your awareness around what you like in your dirty talk.
AR: Be honest with your potential hookup(s) and check in throughout to make sure everything is still copacetic. Also, if one or both of you is unsure or inexperienced with kinky play, then yes, it is probably better to keep it more vanilla. As most seasoned BDSM players will tell you: safe, sane and consensual kink honestly requires a much deeper level of trust and vulnerability that you don’t usually get from a one-night encounter anyway.
MRS: When it comes to physical acts, these can be easily be interpreted as sexual assault, rather than just kinky play. Things like choking should be avoided altogether. The last thing you want is a lawsuit. I believe that having these discussions beforehand can help you understand the person more, but it might be best to avoid these actions anyway during a first-time hookup until you have built up trust with that lover and have had multiple sexual experiences. Remember, there’s no guarantee that it won’t be activating or triggering for another person, so deep trust goes a long way in fostering safety and security to do your best to avoid any mishaps.
3. The golden rule for condoms during one-night stands: put it on
AR: Condom use should not be a point of contention — it should be common sense and common courtesy, especially if you’re having casual sex. A few seconds of orgasm is never worth sacrificing your health. Sex workers get tested, but most “civilians”? Not so much. This is a routine conversation we have in the adult industry. No one has bareback anything on camera without first having a clear STI test panel, but the same cannot be said for people who randomly meet on Tinder. If you enjoy multiple hookups throughout the year, then you should be getting tested between partners and be prepared to be honest about your status. Everyone has the right to understand what their risk is. The recent reports about antibiotic-resistant strains of STIs are not lying, but a guy claiming he “can’t finish” while wearing a condom most definitely is. Do not fall for the “but it doesn’t feel good” line. If condoms truly ruined sex, they would not exist in the first place.
MRS: Men should always be prepared to use a condom during casual hookups. When the time is appropriate, both parties, but particularly men, can initiate when they are ready for the condom and ready for penetration, as long as their partner is in agreement. Condoms should always be used for casual hookups, regardless of what a person says; taking sexual responsibility into your own hands is important, particularly for your sexual health and sexual confidence.
4. Men should always communicate what they enjoy during sex and ask their lover what they enjoy, instead of assuming all people are the same
AR: Experience is a wonderful teacher and a great thing to draw on, but just because we have an experience that went a certain way, there’s no reason to assume it’s always going to be that way. We also know that people vary widely in terms of what arouses and pleasures them. Be open to the joy (and fun!) of discovering how a new partner’s body works. For instance, if your last ex loved having their nipples played with and you feel you’ve “mastered” that move, why not ask your new hookup (between kisses) if her nipples are sensitive and she’d like you to tease them? If you get the verbal “oh yeah,” then watch her body for non-verbal cues as you play. If in doubt, keep things at a low intensity level to start and see where the sweet spot is. Or, if you’re the receiver, don’t be afraid to speak up and say “I really love ___” and give your new partner some guidance or affirmation. Again, communication is everything.
MRS: All people are not the same and it’s important to understand that just because one person liked it doesn’t mean the next person will. Respecting people and understanding who they are as individuals are important to not only learning about one’s self, but learning about what different kinds of bodies like for sexual pleasure.
5. Aftercare is a great way to show that you see them as a human being, not just an object for pleasure
MRS: Before going into the sexual experience, having the conversation about what your lover likes to do after sex can help them understand that you truly care about their well-being and that you want to be a lover that they are proud of having, not a lover that ends up in the “bad sex” category and a story to tell their good friends about. The aftercare should not just be physical either. Thinking about emotional aftercare and reflecting on what you liked about the sexual experience can enhance your experience and bond with that person.
AR: After the fun is over, debrief a little: make sure they’re okay and they’re feeling good about what happened. Offer to help with any “clean up” if you partied together beforehand. Be sure to tell them you had a good time. Even if you aren’t planning on dating them in the future, a good hookup should still be kind and considerate. Be upfront about what you’re looking for from the beginning — so if it is just one night, thank them and leave things on a positive note. Do not lead the other person on if you are not interested in pursuing more.
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