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I can recall one of the early days of quarantine when my Twitter feed was full of women roasting the absolute shit out of men. This is by no means an unusual occurrence, but the subject of this roasting was noteworthy. One male Twitter user had innocently, but foolishly, tweeted: “How do you fit both a vibrator and a dick in there?”
By “there,” he of course meant the vagina.
The bewildering tweet was initially met with jokes but eventually evolved into a larger conversation about how so many heterosexual cis-men seem to have a total disregard for women’s sexual gratification, and how often men simply cannot fathom that they may require some extra help in the bedroom. That their dick, and their dick alone, is not enough to bring women to earth-shattering, black-out orgasms.
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Now’s the time to surprise her with something niceBut in reality, we have a pleasure gap problem.
Cis-women are four times more likely than cis-men to say that recent sex wasn’t pleasurable at all. In one study, 91% of men reported that they “usually” or “always” orgasm during sex, whereas only 39% of women reported they consistently come during intercourse. The study concluded that while orgasm for women is pleasurable, it’s “ultimately incidental.”
“Most people do not reach orgasm from vaginal penetration alone,” says Jess O’Reilly, PhD., host of the @SexWithDrJess Podcast. “Orgasms from clitoral stimulation are considered the most common of all orgasms.”
Research has shown time and time again that for people with vulvas, some sort of clitoral stimulation needs to happen for an orgasm to occur. The largest-ever orgasm study, published in The Journal of Sex and Marital Therapy in 2017, found that 37% of American women required clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm, compared to the 18% of women who said that vaginal penetration alone was sufficient to come.
The good news is cunnilingus, fingering and, especially, vibrators are all simple solutions to the absentee orgasm. “A vibrator not only helps to stimulate the clitoris during penetrative sex, but also provides different rhythms, patterns and intensities that hands alone can’t replicate,” explains Dominnique Karetsos, MysteryVibe‘s Sexual Wellness Advisor.
But this isn’t exactly new information. It’s been 22 years since Sex and the City‘s iconic “Rabbit” episode aired and broke down stigmas surrounding female masturbation and the use of vibrators. More recently, studies showed sex toy sales were booming in quarantine. Many individuals and couples alike are obviously using and enjoying vibrators, so why do I keep seeing uninformed tweets like the one I mentioned above? Why are there countless TikToks of women making jokes about how their showerheads are more conducive for orgasming than their boyfriends are? And, most importantly, why are so many men still stubborn when it comes to utilizing vibrators in the bedroom?
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Featuring items from Dame, Maude and all of our other favorite sexual wellness brands“We erroneously believe that because sex is a natural act, all sex acts must come naturally,” O’Reilly says. “This, of course, is not the case. In fact, those who use sexual accouterments like lube and sex toys report higher sexual functioning and greater sexual satisfaction.”
Sometimes we avoid using sex toys because we worry that using them is evidence something is lacking in our own sex life, explains O’Reilly. Sexist and unfounded theories have contributed to the idea that some orgasms are innately better than others. Freud theorized that mature women achieve climax from vaginal stimulation alone.
Additionally, we’ve put a huge amount of scrutiny on dicks in general. Conversations about size and the “ideal” length are endless. Sexual performance anxiety is incredibly common for men, and yet if you can’t get it up or to completion, there’s a huge amount of shame involved. It’s no wonder some men feel insecure or offended at the idea of their partner needing some extra help.
But ultimately, if you care about making your partner feel good, there’s a good chance using a vibrator will make doing so much easier. The first step, though, is to have an open, honest, judgment-free conversation with your partner about what they like and are interested in trying. Then the next step is to get a vibrator. Thankfully, there is a vibrator for every sexual need, and with the help of our sexperts, we’ve highlighted some of the best vibes that’ll help you both get where you need to be every time.
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