Joe Rogan Could Suck His Own Dick, If He Wanted To

From what I understand as a person with very little interest in loud men with podcasts, Joe Rogan is a man of many talents, including spreading COVID vaccine misinformation and stoking controversy via what I can only imagine is an increasingly tired brand of “edgy,” “uncancelable” guy’s guy humor. In addition to these gifts, Rogan has recently revealed yet another special skill on his lengthy resume: auto-fellatio, AKA sucking your own dick.

The self-proclaimed “super flexible” podcaster opened up about his secret talent during an episode of “The Joe Rogan Experience” last week, telling guests Ari Shaffir, Mark Normand and Shane Gillis that he can perform oral sex on himself — or he could, if he wanted to, that is. Rogan claimed he has never actually gone through with the act, but has assumed the position just to see if he could pull it off.

“I’ve never done it — but I’ve put it around my face just to know I could do it,” Rogan told his podcast guests. Naturally, those guests wondered why a man of such rare talent would be wasting his time podcasting when he could be sucking his own dick all day.

Unfortunately, Joe Rogan, upstanding straight man that he is, says he wouldn’t even like sucking his own dick, on account of his resounding heterosexuality. As he put it, “You still have a dick in your mouth — you can’t enjoy it.”

Clearly, there are some flaws with this line of thinking. For one thing, a not-insignificant portion of the population — including many penis-havers themselves — do enjoy having a dick in their mouths. Rogan’s tired and rather offensive implication here is obviously that giving himself a blow job would be “gay” and thus unenjoyable for a straight man, but what is more conventional manual masturbation if not giving yourself a hand job? After all, you still have a dick in your hand, how could a straighty-straight heterosexual like Joe Rogan possibly enjoy masturbating when it involves holding a dick?

The logic here obviously doesn’t hold up, which is why I would hazard that Rogan’s reluctance to go down on himself has nothing to do with any fears of violating his card-carrying straight guy status. Rather, I would argue that the real reason he doesn’t want to blow himself is because he knows sucking a dick is hard work. In the immortal words of Sex and the City’s Samantha Jones, “They don’t call it a job for nothing.”

Frankly, I can’t blame him; I don’t want to blow Joe Rogan either. Still, I think straight men could learn a lot from having a dick in their mouths — whether their own or someone else’s — like the value of hard oral labor and also what not to do when their dick is in someone else’s mouth. With that in mind, I politely urge Joe Rogan and all men to go suck a dick.