The "Rolex Rippers" Are Stealing Watches From Golfers

Earlier this year, I was left bereaved when my brief stint as a breathless Anna Delvey stan was cut short after the iconic Soho Grifter was detained by ICE mere weeks after her early release from prison on good behavior. Fortunately, I now have a band of not one, but two new grifter queens to idolize: a duo of as-yet unidentified lady bandits accused of unlawfully relieving wealthy golfers of their expensive watches.

Dubbed the “Rolex Rippers,” this team of watch thieves have reportedly robbed at least 14 golfers across ritzy golf courses throughout the UK, primarily targeting older men. According to the Guardian, the women pull off their hits by posing as charity workers with clipboards, slyly slipping off their victim’s watch when he goes to sign the petition. In other cases, however, the thieves pursue a less subtle plan of attack, simply “ripp[ing] the watches off the wrists of men, who have been left shocked and bruised.”

The suspects have reportedly been described by police as dark-haired women in their 20s or 30s with Eastern European accents, though some have believed them to be Spanish. The women are between 5’2″ and 5’9″, all of which is to say that once I nail down a convincing-enough Eastern European and/or Spanish accent, I will pretty much fit the bill and think I would make a great addition to this gang of hot lady burglars. Please consider this my application.

Look, is crime good? I don’t know, I’m not really fit to be a moral arbiter on really any matter at all. But based on what I’ve gathered from living in society, it seems like crime is probably bad. As we know from Robin Hood, however, it’s fine if you do crimes to rich people. Also, when men do crimes they are scary and predictable. But when women do crimes? Then it’s fun and sexy and also feminism, maybe? Think Bonnie and Clyde, but make it Bonnie and Bonnie — which might actually just be Thelma and Louise? Not sure, haven’t seen it.

Anyway, the point is, like any young girl, I grew up dreaming of some day robbing an aging rich man blind. Of course, I always imagined I would do it the old fashioned way: marrying him and getting into a messy, very public financial battle with his adult children after his death, Anna Nicole Smith style. But am I necessarily opposed to more overtly illegal forms of theft? Personally, I think it’s important to keep your options open. Besides, why go to all the trouble of conning a man into marrying me when I could just steal his watch and pay off my student debt with a single Rolex? Seems like a win-win for everyone involved, honestly.