Fake heiress Anna Sorokin, who infamously scammed her way into New York City’s elite inner circles under the pseudonym Anna Delvey, likes to think she know a thing or two about prison. After all, she’s spent several years behind bars, including some time at Rikers Island. Now Sorokin, who considers herself a “model prisoner,” is handing down her unsolicited carceral wisdom to a potential future inmate, former president Donald Trump.
With the recent ex-president facing multiple legal cases in the aftermath of his tenure, Sorokin considers it almost “inevitable” that Trump will find himself “remanded and sent to Rikers Island,” putting his odds of ending up behind bars at around 87 percent, though she declined to reveal the calculations by which she ended up at that number. With these predictions for Trump’s fate in mind, Sorokin took it upon herself to pen an open letter to the former president, passing down her expert tips for a successful prison sentence in a lengthy epistle posted to her website.
“They say that I’m kind of killing it at being a model prisoner,” Sorokin boasts in the letter, titled, “Rikers Island 101 for Donald Trump.” The grifter-turned-model-prisoner, for her part, agrees. “I think I handled it beautifully. Not only was I surviving, I was thriving,” Sorokin writes of her stint at Rikers. “And if I can do it, so, most likely, can you,” she writes Trump. Sorokin goes on to offer Trump a slew of insider tips and recommendations in what is arguably a strong contender for one of the greatest satirical works of Trump era. Here are some of Sorokin’s best pieces of prison advice.
1. Suicide watch isn’t a good look
“First and foremost: get out of suicide watch/mental observation as soon as you possibly can — it’s neither a good look, nor something you want to be remembered by,” Sorokin advises the former president. “First impressions matter, and rolling into this jail while smelling of desperation and wallowing in self-pity is definitely not a way to commence your journey.”
2. Getting arrested is annoying!
If you’ve ever reconsidered doing something illegal because getting arrested seems inconvenient, Sorokin can confirm that serving time is pretty annoying indeed.
“Getting arrested can at first seem extremely inconvenient,” writes the faux heiress. “And I’m not going to embellish anything — I was very annoyed, I mean really bummed out to the point of no return when it happened — can’t they see that I’m busy? That I got things to do, places to get to?” In fact, the grifter suggests there’s “hardly a ruder way to cut into someone’s plans than to arrest them,” though she speculates being told “You’re the father” might come close.
Regardless, Sorokin advises making the best of things: “See it the way I did — as an exciting adventure to an exotic, far-away island. Rikers is just stop number one and you won’t be kept here for too long. Therefore, while you’re here, try to explore as much as possible and see the entire compound, which will soon be turned into a museum. Consider it an early VIP preview, like at Art Basel.”
3. Use bad food as a chance to work on your beach body
“However you choose to look at it, food is a difficult one. If possible, stay away completely,” Sorokin advises. There are a few “edible” options she recommends, including salads, beans, fruits and vegetables (with the skin removed) and gluten-free Cheerios, but “everything else — just no.”
The largely inedible nature of most prison food, however, makes jail time a great opportunity to work on some new fitness goals, according to Sorokin. “Being in jail is a good time to detox from ubiquitous things like sugar, alcohol, dairy, fried and processed foods,” she writes. “Cleanse, lose some weight, become a vegetarian.”
4. Volunteering is a scam
“If anyone asks if you’d like to ‘volunteer,’ the answer is absolutely no! Stay away from any type of extracurricular programs, group activities or other commitments — trust me, so not worth it,” writes Sorokin.
“The same goes for getting a ‘job,’” she adds. “Considering the time and effort it requires, the sheer entertainment value of it tends to be relatively low. The math simply doesn’t add up and my verdict here: pass.”
5. Read a book
“This forced break is a good opportunity to revisit previously intimidating classics such as War and Peace, Moby Dick and Crime and Punishment,” writes Sorokin, who also recommends looking at jail time as a “writer’s retreat.”
“Eliminate any potential distractions and pen something of your own — the possibilities are endless!” adds the inmate, urging Trump, who she hails as “one of the most underrated comedians of our age,” to “host a jail comedy workshop, or commit to a humorous weekly column for ‘Rikers News from the Inside.’”
Whether Sorokin’s predictions regarding Trump’s “inevitable” fate behind bars will prove correct remains to be seen, but in the meantime, the former president has plenty of advice to consider.
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