As someone with a negative six-figure net worth, I don’t have much of an understanding of what it’s like to have money or what kind of lifestyle various tiers of wealth can buy. What I do know, however, is that are many different kinds of wealth. There’s, say, shelling out $500,000 on a scam to get your kids into a top university wealthy, and then there’s dropping $13 million on a mansion in a gated community that is also home to the likes of various Kardashians and supermodels wealthy. I am neither, but Lori Loughlin, apparently, is both.
The New York Post reports that Loughlin and her fellow ex-con hubby Mossimo Giannulli are celebrating their recent prison release by gifting themselves a $13 million mansion in the upscale La Quinta community of Palm Desert, California. Frankly, I find this news surprising, in part because Loughlin and Mr. Lori Loughlin’s new real estate purchase in the gated Madison Club puts them in the same neighborhood as properties owned by arguably much bigger-name celebs, including Kris Jenner, Kourtney Kardashian, Cindy Crawford and Scooter Braun. Moreover, this purchase comes just a year after the couple dropped another $9.5 million on a Hidden Hills home in Los Angeles.
Admittedly, had the college admissions scandal never happened, I probably wouldn’t have spent much time at all thinking about Lori Loughlin and her finances. If I had, however, I would’ve assumed that her Aunt Becky royalties, Hallmark Original Movie money and whatever cash came from Giannulli’s Target fashion empire probably adds up to a pretty comfortable life. Obviously, having an extra $500,000 lying around to spend on bribery is nothing to scoff at, but still, I would’ve thought there’s a difference between starring in a ’90s sitcom and being neighbors with the Kardashians. Clearly, I would’ve been wrong, because I obviously don’t know anything about having money and probably never will. Basically my understanding of wealth is like the opposite of when Netflix got the ultra-rich cast of Bling Empire to play a game where they tried to guess how much regular-person purchases like drugstore toothpaste and batteries cost, except instead of being funny, it’s actually just kind of sad.
Anyway, if Lori Loughlin and Mr. Aunt Becky want to adopt me as some kind of charitable publicity stunt to prove they’ve changed their criminal ways, I would be more than happy to take up residence in the humble guest house of their new 9,300-square-foot, Kardashian-adjacent mansion complete with two swimming pools, two spas, a wet bar, movie room and wine cellar. Just putting that out there.
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