Twitter, aka the soapbox of the Internet, turns 10 today, and despite its superlative importance as a source for breaking news and commentary, we can’t lie:
We mostly go there for the d*ck jokes and memes. No shame in that. (It’s the internet after all, not a church.)
So to celebrate the first decade of its hopefully long life, we tapped our editors for a few (actually, seven) of their favorite handles.
Enjoy.
@ChillSitch
The world is complex and cruel and chaotic. But not @chillsitch. Chill Sitch is summertime all the time. Chill Sitch finds silver linings in silver linings. Chill Sitch is a meditation on the winky-face emoticon, 140 characters or fewer at a time. And for a few brief moments in 2014, Chill Sitch was something everyone could agree on. (Walker Loetscher)
toes in the water
hand in the cooler
😉
— Chill Situations (@chillsitch) May 5, 2015
this plane is showing two movies. a league of their own and the american landscape right out your window
now that’s a double feature 😉
— Chill Situations (@chillsitch) July 29, 2014
swim at your own risk of having a great time with friends 😉
— Chill Situations (@chillsitch) August 11, 2014
the whole group settled on a date for the lake trip in, like, only 8 emails
— Chill Situations (@chillsitch) May 15, 2015
i just woke up
😉
— Chill Situations (@chillsitch) September 8, 2014
@Fart
The puerile brilliance of Twitter is perfectly encapsulated in Jon Hendren’s account @fart. Off Twitter, he’s a software developer who occasionally trolls TV networks (e.g., going on CNN to talk about Edward Snowden but only speaking on Edward Scissorhands). On social media, he’s a pioneer of the “Weird Twitter” movement: self-referential, purposely bizarre and often hilarious. (Kirk Miller)
kids are playing pokemon again, clinton’s running for president, and a seagull swooped in and tried to take my dick. its 2001 all over again
— jon hendren (@fart) July 13, 2016
kicked out of The Hobbit for shouting “NOW WE’RE TOLKIEN” every time something happened
— jon hendren (@fart) January 7, 2014
do you really regret it. do you pic.twitter.com/vDHcACNB3u
— jon hendren (@fart) June 16, 2016
do they revoke your gym membership if you drop your burger in the pool and it gets caught in the pool filter. the gym guy is saying yes
— jon hendren (@fart) May 28, 2016
actually, Bon Jovi is the name of the BAND. you’re thinking of Bon Jovi’s monster
— jon hendren (@fart) August 6, 2014
@DadBoner
Karl Welzein is Michigan man who lives in his car and loves nothing more than to relax with a cold brewski, play Bob Seger in the background and tweet about life. He also doesn’t exist. Created by comedian Mike Burns, Welzein and his @DadBoner account is the perfect place to turn for ‘Merican musings about life, cold ones and fake quotes from Jesus. (Evan Bleier)
Why people gotta suck? Life’s pretty basic: “Don’t suck, chill, sip cold ones, love, and peep healthy butts & chest beefers.” -Jesus
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) July 8, 2016
So bombed. If you’re not gonna drink a thousand beers for your team on their opening day, might as well not drink any at all, you guys.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) April 6, 2016
Made a chill “KISS ME I’M KARL” tee with a Hanes and a green marker. Gonna peep babes in the ‘Bee’s parkin’ lot with a brown bag Mickey’s.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) March 17, 2015
You don’t need a “job” to have a celebraish on Labes Day. A business is just fine. And my business, is drinkin’ cold ones, you guys.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) September 8, 2015
Dadbod sounds like some crap a fatso’s wife made up so she could pretend her hubby isn’t a corncob who can’t even do 10 ‘shups.
— Karl Welzein (@DadBoner) May 15, 2015
@KimKierkegaard
If you follow Kim Kardashian, my guess is you don’t follow Kim Kierkegaardashian, but you should. Nothing else so seamlessly mashes the existential quandaries of Soren Kierkegaard with the daily musings of Kim K. Also happens to be a pretty great #Politics account to follow. (Michael Nolledo)
Today’s look: Bronzed, braided, and so dreadfully bored that pain itself has lost its refreshment for me
— KimKierkegaardashian (@KimKierkegaard) June 21, 2016
UGH I’m skipping workouts and eating bad!! But to despair over earthly things is a step towards despair of the eternal.
— KimKierkegaardashian (@KimKierkegaard) June 9, 2016
Thank you Lan Yu for making this dress for me to wear in Cannes. It fit so tight, like the cover of a coffin, and I was at peace.
— KimKierkegaardashian (@KimKierkegaard) May 19, 2016
Let’s all welcome Chloe to twitter & remind her that being the object of attention of many people is not the same as being important to God
— KimKierkegaardashian (@KimKierkegaard) March 23, 2016
You look at a mirror & yet do not see yourself. You forget that it is you to whom the mirror is speaking. pic.twitter.com/O8SWMdY7up
— KimKierkegaardashian (@KimKierkegaard) March 8, 2016
@SeinfeldToday
A decade in and Twitter can now answer any question pointed at it: What’s happening this minute around the world? What does my favorite B-list celebrity eat for breakfast? What if Seinfeld were still on the air? @SeinfeldToday answers that last one so convincingly you’d think it was Larry David catfishing us all. Full episodes, characters’ distinct vocal affectations and mania included, in 140 characters or less. (Athena Wisotsky)
Jerry refuses to go to a Cash Only diner. J:”They’ve seen the credit card! They know the credit card! It’s time to accept the credit card!”
— Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday) July 28, 2015
Kramer thinks the NSA is spying on him, so he goes “off the grid.” Except he uses Jerry’s phone, computer & email. “You’re just on MY grid!”
— Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday) June 8, 2015
When Jerry dumps a woman who works for Time Warner Cable, his Internet stops working. She won’t get it fixed unless he takes her out again.
— Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday) March 6, 2015
At a Giants game, George intercepts a football that a player meant for another fan. When he won’t give it up, he becomes nationally reviled.
— Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday) November 17, 2014
Jerry gets paranoid about his girlfriend’s past when her iPhone automatically connects to the wi-fi at Newman’s apartment.
— Modern Seinfeld (@SeinfeldToday) June 3, 2014
@FatherJohnMisty
Father John Misty is about the same amount an asshole as he is a celebrity — that is, not massively, but not insignificantly either. Also hyper aware of both, which is what makes his Twitter (where he has adopted the moniker Farmer Jah Misery) so funny — whether he’s inserting himself into whatever music industry narrative happens to be trending, retweeting vitriol for the Snapchat dog face filter or penning absurdist haikus for shits and gigs. (Danny Agnew)
father john, you’re a cunt. https://t.co/ET9iB4Tl2X
— EMMA (@emmahugheyy) April 29, 2016
For those wanting to know my involvement in “Hold Up” – I make ends meet taking the occasional session playing airhorn…
— FARMER JAH MISERY (@fatherjohnmisty) April 25, 2016
I gotta say, I totally unironically love the end of this Imagine Dragons song like the last fucking nano-second of it like right at the end
— FARMER JAH MISERY (@fatherjohnmisty) June 28, 2016
People who say “pee in the bushes” like it’s the baller option
— FARMER JAH MISERY (@fatherjohnmisty) June 3, 2016
@fatherjohnmisty Can you please DM your confirmation number? We can try to help you out. ^EH
— United (@united) July 7, 2016
@JennyJohnsonHi5
I see the world mostly in Venn diagrams. Like a diagram of people with neck tattoos and people playing tonsil hockey on the subway: actually, that’s just a circle. A diagram of adult men on razor scooters and adult men who don’t have to pay for sex: that one’s owl eyes. My beloved Jenny Johnson has the same tendency, but she’s a real asshole. Such a bully that she turns other comedians into crybabies. But her confrontational rebelliousness is refreshing and clever amid a sea of PC-ness and positive affirmations. She’s brassy and likely would have beaten the s*** out of me in high school. But it’s Twitter, people: don’t go let 140 characters cut too deep now. (Shari Gab)
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it. You came in her.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) July 5, 2016
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 10, 2016
I wish I had the confidence of a drunk chick at an outdoor music festival wearing only cut-off denim shorts and a bikini top.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 23, 2016
If you and your spouse are wearing matching clothes in your engagement photo, there’s a 99% chance an episode of Dateline will be about you.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) May 17, 2016
Each time a journalist reads the words “throwing shade” from a teleprompter, Peter Jennings kills an angel with a Ninja Star.
— Jenny Johnson (@JennyJohnsonHi5) June 2, 2016
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