Weekend Warrior: Your Definitive Guide to the Weekend

Welcome to Weekend Warrior, your comprehensive weekend agenda.

Had enough of politics for the time being? After sitting through two marathon conventions, we could definitely use a breather.

To wit: getting out on the water (just wait till you see the ingenious canoe we found), wooing a beautiful woman (with some advice from one we love) and attempting to make something we like to call the bacon bourbon bagel burger.

OK, and maybe picking up one of these babies in case the election goes the wrong way and we need to bug out.

But first, a little distraction.

FRIDAY

5:00 P.M.
Punch out. If you ignored your civic duties over the past two weeks and tuned out the convention coverage, The Ringer’s Keeping It 1600 Podcast has done a great job summing things up. Rip a few episodes for your commute.

5:01 P.M.
Scratch that. Before you leave, watch this video of an awesome dad pulling an awesome-but-also-really-touching birthday prank on his kid.

6:00 P.M.
More election fire and brimstone, you say? Great. IBM just launched a “mood dashboard for the political internet” that rates news sources based on their tone and POV.

7:00 P.M.
Look around house. “This place is a hellhole,” you think. No, this is a this is a Hellhole. Forget the newly released Blu-ray and just relish the two-minute trailer. It’s an ‘80s hat trick of political incorrectness, excessive nudity/violence and seemingly child-scribbled dialogue (“Once they take you to Hell, you don’t never come back”).

7:02 P.M.
Frightened? A personal surveillance drone should make you feel better.

8:00 P.M.
OK, where are the ladies at? This new dating app knows. Just be sure to avoid the no. 1 mistake online daters make before you dig in.

9:00 P.M.
Put on cologne, assemble squad and find said ladies.

12:45 A.M.
Brush teeth. This smart brush will tell you if you’re doing it wrong.

1:00 A.M.
Your night is done. Drift languidly into slumber with the fluttery new Sleigh Bells track.

SATURDAY

7:00 A.M.
Drink coffee. We like it nitro. Pair it with new Descendents record — an album, or really, a band, truly dedicated to the art of caffeine buzz.

7:01 A.M.
Try topping it off with some cockroach milk. Yum.

10:00 A.M.
Your (late) summer read: The guy who wrote Wayward Pines has a new, Michael Crichton-esque thriller about fatherhood, quantum physics and alternate worlds.

11:00 A.M.
Get outside, it’s T-shirt weather. For inspiration, pore over 132 of the best tees in movie history.

11:01 A.M.
Oh, right. You need something to do outside. Given the heat, we recommend getting on a boat. Don’t have one? Try this origami folding canoe for two. Just be careful out there: a mysterious brain-eating amoeba is currently on the loose in some of our country’s best whitewater playgrounds.

1:00 P.M.
If you like new beers half as much as we do, you will surely get yourself to Fruitvale’s The Half Orange, where our favorite beergarden hosts will be debuting a new selection from Ale Industries. 

2:00 P.M.
Return from your waterward adventure amped for more. Impulsively buy some of the ridiculously lightweight and tech-savvy gear we recently found at Europe’s biggest backcountry bazaar. Vow to someday conquer Everest … just make sure it’s someday soon, because the Nepalese government is about to establish a new age limit for potential summiters.

4:00 P.M.
Apply for a new job … as the Smithsonian Institute’s resident craft beer expert.

5:00 P.M.
Mac ‘n’ cheese: It’s second only to bacon in our hearts, and it’s coming full-force to the The Great Mac and Cheese Melt-Off. Twenty bucks, four plates, a lifetime of cheese-centric memories. 

7:00 P.M.
Get ready for that date you’re going on with that totally stunning and fascinating person you met last night via your new dating app (HA!). Don’t know what to wear/where to go/what to talk about? No sweat. Up-and-coming model/music producer Eva Shaw has some words of advice on all the above.

SUNDAY

5:00 A.M.
Insomnia strikes. “I wonder what bikini models would look like as Impressionist paintings?” you wonder. Here’s the answer.

10:00 A.M.
Take car to shop because the damn keyless entry function stopped working. Or, better yet: get rid of your car and trade it in for a classic, because classics go to the shop far less frequently than the teched-out cars we’re driving nowadays.

12:00 P.M.
The NFL is nearly back … but this year’s real football inspiration arrives courtesy of Gleason, the new documentary (opening this weekend) about former New Orleans Saints defensive back Steve Gleason and his fight against MLS, which he documents through personal video journals. It’s OK to cry.

2:00 P.M.
Fire up the grill. Attempt to make this you-don’t-want-to-know-the-calorie-count “bourbon bacon bagel burger.” Enjoy it — soon you’ll be eating lab-made burgers that bleed, like the one currently being served at New York hotspot Momofuk Nishi.

5:00 P.M. 
It’s July, which means that it’s definitely a rosé kind of day. You want to be at Pique Nique Ordinaire in Oakland. There will be lots and lots of rosé. Snacks, too. But mostly rosé. 

6:10 P.M.
You’re not at Lollapalooza? Eh, you can stream it — M83 is up now.

8:00 P.M.
You say the heat has turned your brain to mush? Perfect! You’re primed for Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (oh, hello, Gary Busey).

11:00 P.M.
Tuck in early. You’ve got a big week ahead of you.

11:10 P.M.
Get woken up by a spammer blowing up your mobile phone. Remember the days when your cell was safe from this?! Google does. That’s why they just launched a new technology that protects you from it.