A Guide to Patrick Bateman’s New York … in 2016

American Psycho.

The story we all hate how much we love. And as of this month, showing on Broadway.

Book tickets immediately. And then tell everyone in your office you have tickets — like Patrick would have.

But don’t just go see him in action. Rather: be him in action.

Fast-forward from the late ‘80s to 2016, and we’ve got the tailor where Patrick would’ve had his suit made, the spot where Patrick would be be summering and the hallowed equivalent to Patrick’s great white whale: a table at Dorsia.

Don’t forget your business card.

The Apartment
“I live in the American Gardens Building on West 81st Street.”
Now: Zaha Hadid’s 520w28 (RIP)
Why: Because you’ll be among the first to live there.
Unless you’ve been under a rock, you know that 520 West 28th is apple of every monied NYer’s eye. Beyond the 72-foot skylit pool and being a stone’s throw from The Whitney and the High Line, it’s the hype that makes the locale magical.

The Suit
“I … am wearing a black Armani suit, a white cotton Armani shirt and a silk tie, also by Armani.”
Now: Roberts
Why: Because you’re the first to know.
Sure, you could go for Barcelino, but you’re the most in-the-know man in the room. For that, there’s Roberts. America-made with ultra-fine Italian materials. It. Is. The. Suit. Iconic and personal. Book an appointment and their fitter comes direct to you. That personal touch that makes luxury suiting, well, luxury suiting.

The Restaurant
“I dash across the room and grab the Zagat guide and flip through it until I find Dorsia.”
Now: Rao’s
Why: Because it’s impossible.
You better have gone to college with the maitre d’, cause this one has an epic hold on being not only one of the toughest tables to get in NY, but in the nation. Followed by: the chef’s table at Brooklyn Fare, Blanca, Momofuku Ko, Eleven Madison Park and Polo Bar. In that order. Good luck killer. And don’t forget your 14k gold toothpick.

The Raincoat
“I put on a cheap raincoat I picked up at Brooks Brothers on Wednesday and move toward Owen, who is bent over near the stereo system.”
Now: Moncler’s Reynaud
Why: Because it’s Moncler.
A technically reworked classic trench. Good for day-to-night use. Whatever that may entail.

The Tailor
“Earlier in the evening I was wearing a suit tailored by Edward Sexton and thinking sadly about my family’s house in Newport.”
Now: Boglioli
Why: Because you’ll be the first person there.
On Bond Street. The brand’s first U.S. outpost following Milan, Seoul and Tokyo. Of course, they’re not open yet. But stay tuned – we know a guy.

The Club
“All of the men outside Tunnel tonight are for some reason wearing tuxedos.”
Now: The Blonde
Why: Because the line is really f***ing long.
Nightlife can change with a gust of wind. Sorry Electric Room. Sorry Happy Endings. Really sorry Avenue. The Blonde, closely followed by Vandal and Flash Factory, is where everyone who is anyone is — including blondes.

The Hamps
“My mask of sanity was a victim of impending slippage. This was the bone season for me and I needed a vacation. I needed to go to the Hamptons.”
Now: Meadow Lane
Why: Because it’s one of the most expensive rentals.
For your summer getaway, we recommend 6,500 square feet of modern majesty. Beachside with 360 degree views of the ocean set on four acres. That means a lot of privacy for whatever one might have in mind. In tow: don’t forget the rosé – it’s summer in a bottle.

The Axe
“I move toward him with the ax in one hand, and with my other I button up the raincoat.”
Now: The Best Made Co. American Felling Axe
Why: Because it’s made right here in New York.
Classic silhouette. American-made. Monogrammed. Patrick loves monograms.

The Huey Lewis and the News
“They really didn’t come into their own, commercially or artistically, until their 1983 smash, Sports.”
Now: Fitz and the Tantrums, playing at Terminal 5 on June 21
Why: Because they’re white guys who produce non-threatening pop-rock.
Like Huey, they write “songs so catchy, most people probably don’t even listen to the lyrics.” Think of it as Top 40 music for people who swear they hate Top 40 music. They also have a keyboardist. So did Huey.