Typically, right after I meet a person, I go stalk them on Instagram. I do it with everyone in almost every situation where you would ever meet a person, the primary reason being that I’m nosy. When it comes to the men I’ve hooked up with, or am in the midst of hooking up with, I do this, yes, because I’m nosy, but also so I can show them off to all my friends.
I’ve been largely unsuccessful in this area, though, because I seem to attract men who have zero or very little social media presence. At first, it’s a bit infuriating, but after a brief moment I find myself relieved and, even more so, impressed.
For one, I don’t have to worry about finding anything weird or cringe, like your bad selfies, for instance. Plus, as someone who is “extremely online” and whose mind and eyesight is no doubt being ruined by the internet, the thought of someone having the willpower — or indifference — to stay off social media is respectable. And kinda hot!
I thought that maybe I was one of the very few people who found this attractive, but it turns out plenty of internet users are longing for a man with no social media. All you have to do is search “man with no social media” on Twitter and you’ll find hundreds of tweets from users fantasizing about the idea of an unplugged man.
The sentiment is perhaps best summed up by this meme:
Of course, a man with no social presence does raise a few flags at first. What is he hiding? Who is he hiding? Specifically when it comes to dating, having no easily found information has always been a cause for concern from both parties. Those who don’t subscribe to any social platforms worry about how it can affect their persona and dating prospects, while those dating someone with no social media always ask the inevitable question to friends, family or strangers on the internet: Is this person I’m dating a weirdo?
This conundrum has been ongoing, particularly on platforms such as Reddit where users have posed questions about this dating issue for years. “Do women find it weird/creepy if a guy has no social media presence at all?” “Is your first impression about a guy who doesn’t use social media (Facebook, Instagram, etc.) that he is a creep or that he has issues?” “Does having no social media make me undateable?“
“Tho I love the idea of a guy not having any social media, it’s also a [bit] suspicious for someone to not have anything nowadays. Is it a red flag if a guy I just started dating (he’s 30) said he doesn’t have social media?” asked one Reddit user on the subreddit r/dating two years ago.
There is certainly something to be unpacked about how our culture views people who willfully opt out of internet discourse and online behavior, but there is good news for you non-social-media-having weirdos. The majority of responses to these questions agree that while having social media offers an easier pathway to really getting to know someone, it’s not a total dealbreaker. And in even better news, it could turn out to be one of your best attributes: a man with a little mystique can be intriguing, which in turn, could lead to more interesting, insightful conversations.
Jake Smith, Managing Director of Absolute Reg tells InsideHook he’s had limited social media for the past two years now, and ditching Facebook, Twitter and Instagram is one of the best decisions he’s made. Though Smith admits when he met his girlfriend, she was taken aback by his lack of social presence.
“At first, she found it weird that I didn’t have Facebook or Instagram. Like, am I hiding something? Am I a married man? But I believe that piqued her curiosity. The mysterious vibe made her want to know me better,” says Smith who adds that they can talk for hours without him getting distracted.
“Now that we know each other so well, she’s grateful that I have minimal social media. She’s also said that I have no time to compare my life or our lives to others, which is one of the first reasons why I ditched social media. It breeds comparison.”
The same is true for Chris Anderson, owner of Myfiveguide.com, who deleted all of his main social media accounts a year ago and says, “The results were profound when it came to dating.” He found that, on first dates, women asked a ton of questions about his interests and what he liked to do. “One woman mentioned how not having social media made her more curious about who I was and what I do, which sparked great conversation. So far, the majority of the dates I have been on have had the same reaction and a few girls have even told me they prefer dating someone without social media,” says Anderson.
He also said that his lack of social media presence was especially desirable to women who are prone to jealousy. Some women like the fact that men who have no social media have no opportunity to act up on it. “I had one person tell me that she thought it was attractive that I didn’t have Instagram because she knows what guys do on there, and it’s nice to know that I’m not sliding into some other girls DMs,”’ Adrian Carter tells InsideHook.
When Anna searched for her now ex-boyfriend on Instagram when they first started talking, and she came up empty, she asked him what was up. “He said that social media is a waste of time. From my perspective, it was actually such a relief because I never once had to worry about him liking other girls’ pictures or DMing other girls behind my back,” she tells InsideHook. “His lack of social media actually made me trust him more.”
Now, while it’s my personal belief that cheaters will always find a way to cheat, not having access to platforms that make it so easy to cheat is a plus. But for Anna, dating someone with no social media also relieved some of the pressures that come with dating in the digital age. “Whenever we spent time together, we never worried about ‘getting the perfect Instagram pic.’ It relieved all of the pressure on that end, and I actually ended up using social media way less as a result,” she says.
Even when it came time for the breakup, Anna notes that her ex not having any social media made it easier for her to get through it since she had no ability to obsessively check what he was up. Nor did she feel the need to peacock, something most of us partake in post-breakup to let the other person know how amazing we’re doing without them.
“It saved me the hassle of trying to portray that I was better off without him on social media because I knew even if I ever did post anything like that, he would never see it so there was really no point,” says Anna.
So it turns out what seems at first like a dating faux pas is actually an intriguing, desirable attribute for a multitude of reasons. Of course, if you are part of the majority who has social media and uses it regularly, this doesn’t mean you need to delete all your social accounts if you don’t want to. As long as you’re not sliding into other girls’ DMs, my guess is that your partner is most likely indifferent to you having them. Just know if you are a man with no social media and are concerned with how you are perceived by potential partners, it’s not something that makes you “undateable.” If anything, it could be the thing that gets you laid.
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