Weekend Warrior: Your Definitive Guide to the Weekend

Welcome to Weekend Warrior, your comprehensive weekend agenda.

Had enough of politics for the time being? After sitting through two marathon conventions, we could definitely use a breather.

To wit: a movie premiere with Ira Glass, wooing a beautiful woman (with some advice from one we love) and going to Lollapalooza without really going to Lollapalooza.

OK, and maybe picking up one of these babies in case the election goes the wrong way and we need to bug out. And okay, some more politics.

But first, a little distraction.

FRIDAY

3:00 P.M.
Take a “late lunch.” Head on over to the Waldorf Astoria and clink a few glasses at Veuve Clicquot’s Journey Tour, a Champagne pop-up where you’ll toast to the week that was. And to the weekend ahead.

5:00 P.M.
Punch out. If you ignored your civic duties over the past two weeks and tuned out the convention coverage, The Ringer’s Keeping It 1600 Podcast has done a great job summing things up. Rip a few episodes for your commute.

6:00 P.M.
More election fire and brimstone, you say? Great. IBM just launched a “mood dashboard for the political internet” that rates news sources based on their tone and POV.

7:00 P.M.
Look around house. “This place is a hellhole,” you think. No, this is a this is a Hellhole. Forget the newly released Blu-ray and just relish the two-minute trailer. It’s an ‘80s hat trick of political incorrectness, excessive nudity/violence and seemingly child-scribbled dialogue (“Once they take you to Hell, you don’t never come back”).

7:02 P.M.
Frightened? A personal surveillance drone should make you feel better.

8:00 P.M.
Your political cram session on the way was all for not. It’s opening weekend for Slate Magazine and the Second City’s Unelectable You. Bring your favorite lady. Laugh at the improv funnies.

10:00 P.M.
There is much to discuss. After-show cocktails are in order. Summon your ride-sharing service of choice and head on over to Logan Square and hit Estereo. It’s one of our favorite openings from the past month.

12:45 A.M.
Brush teeth. This smart brush will tell you if you’re doing it wrong.

1:00 A.M.
Your night is done. Drift into slumber with the fluttery new Sleigh Bells track.

SATURDAY

7:00 A.M.
Drink coffee. We like it nitro. Pair it with new Descendents record — an album, or really, a band, truly dedicated to the art of caffeine buzz.

7:01 A.M.
Try topping it off with some cockroach milk. Yum.

10:00 A.M.
Your (late) summer read: The guy who wrote Wayward Pines has a new, Michael Crichton-esque thriller about fatherhood, quantum physics and alternate worlds.

11:00 A.M.
Speaking of reading, get thyself to the Newberry Book Fair. Get your browse on. Get yourself another summer read.

2:00 P.M.
Ira Glass wants a word with you at the Music Box. Get there. He’s here all weekend for the debut of Don’t Think Twice, the new Mike Birbiglia flick in which he is a producer. Stay for the Q&A. Ask a thought-provoking question, then thank him for spawning such a great podcast city.

4:00 P.M.
Apply for a new job … as the Smithsonian Institute’s resident craft beer expert.

7:00 P.M.
Get ready for the date you already had planned. Don’t know what to wear/where to go/what to talk about? No sweat. Up-and-coming model/music producer Eva Shaw has some words of advice on all the above. If all else fails, talk about Lollapalooza.

SUNDAY

5:00 A.M.
Insomnia strikes. “I wonder what bikini models would look like as Impressionist paintings?” you wonder. Here’s the answer.

10:00 A.M.
Take car to shop because the damn keyless entry function stopped working. Or, better yet: get rid of your car and trade it in for a classic, because classics go to the shop far less frequently than the teched-out cars we’re driving nowadays.

11:00 P.M.
Realize maybe getting rid of your car is actually not a bad idea. What you need is a boat. Like this origami folding canoe for two.

2:00 P.M.
Afternoon rooftop dance party? That’s what Sundays are made for. Head over to Cerise at the Virgin Hotel for a DJ set by Questlove. FYI: Haim’s got a set later at 11 p.m.

6:10 P.M.
Safe to say you’re not at Lollapalooza. Eh. No matter, you can stream it — M83 is up now.

8:00 P.M.
You say the heat has turned your brain to mush? Perfect! You’re primed for Sharknado: The 4th Awakens (oh, hello, Gary Busey).

11:00 P.M.
Tuck in early. You’ve got a big week ahead of you.

11:10 P.M.
Get woken up by a spammer blowing up your mobile phone. Remember the days when your cell was safe from this?! Google does. That’s why they just launched a new technology that protects you from it.