Fifteen NYC Gyms, Decoded

Choosing a gym has all the sex appeal of renewing a passport.

But holding on to the last bit of winter weight is not an option. So rather than shoot in the dark and sign up for the nearest big box, let’s talk goals.

Are you looking for the fastest route to a slimmer waist, no frills necessary? Do you work out at weird hours? Is a decent spa requisite? Are you trying to meet women?

This is NYC Gyms, Decoded, in which 15 sweathouses are paired with the type of gymgoer they’re best suited for.

For the Casual Boxer: Mendez Boxing
Tough but not intimidating. An intense workout and conditioning without the feeling like you’re working out in a nightclub. Shiners optional.

For the Boxer Who Actually Wants to Get in the Ring: Gleason’s Boxing Gym
Gleason’s is a real fighter’s gym: no frills, lil’ grimy, frequented by guys like WBA champion Yuri Foreman. Fret not, though, the whole crew (even notorious loudmouth Eric Kelly) is exceedingly friendly.

Best for Learning How to Kick the S*** Out of Someone: The Wat
If it’s kickboxing you seek, here’s your haven. Train with Phil Nurse, who’s worked with top UFC fighters like Jon “Bones” Jones and George St. Pierre.

Best for Real Athletes: Chelsea Piers
A cross-training paradise. The massive square-footage here offers up a pool, rock wall, sand volleyball court, track, boxing ring, basketball court, physical therapy and massage therapy … on top of the regular gym rigamarole.

Best for Aspiring Ninja Warrior Applicants: Brooklyn Zoo
Dream of being a real-life Spiderman? Try this parkour-themed spot.

Best for Yogis Who Don’t Need All That New-Agey Mumbo Jumbo: Y7 Studio
Dark, modern and intimate rooms heated with infrared panels. No chanting. No preaching. No om. Look for a class with Stephanie LaSpina.

Best for Guys Who Still Wear Letterman Jackets: New York Athletic Club
You’ve got basketball courts, lots of squash courts, a boxing ring, a pool and fine steam and sauna amenities.

Best for Quick Results: S10 Training
Named NY Mag’s Best Semi-Personal Trainer in 2015, the minimal S10 studio is light on the BS and heavy on the hard work. As in sometimes people puke. Go for customized workouts and achieving optimal body composition.

Best for the Burner Set: David Barton’s TMPL
It’s high-tech, there’s a room dedicated to butts and every class has a live DJ, but we’ll let the recent opening speak for itself.

Best for Night Owls: 24 Hour Fitness
See name for clarification.

Best Place to Meet a Lady: modelFIT
This is where they are.

Best Place to Avoid Ladies: Equinox Chelsea
This is where they are not.

Best for Closing a Deal: Mercedes Club
Negotiate. Shake hands. Go for a swim after.

Best for the Gymgoer on a Budget: Planet Fitness
Sure, you’ve got to bring your own towel. No, the locker rooms are not the plushest. But at 10 bucks a month, you almost can’t afford not to join.

Best for Pampering: CORE Club
There’s a $50k initiation fee, $15k per year after and the New York Times called it a “portal to power.” Safe to say CORE has their perks on lock.