Porn is thorny. Some worry it’s exploitative. Some insist it’s poison. Others say it’s snuffing out whatever shreds of intimacy we have left, like a cigarette under the sole of a glittery platform shoe. Everyone has their own relationship to it and their own opinion about it, but no one wants to talk porn — perhaps least of all adults in committed relationships, who have, statistically speaking, probably spent at least some of their lifetime watching it. Despite the viewership stats, many folks are terrified to tell their partners about their own porn consumption, and especially terrified to ask their partners to watch with them. So, instead of embracing that possible discomfort, some people attempt to sneak porn into partnered sex without talking about it or setting boundaries beforehand. Upon discovery, the bamboozled partner gets understandably upset. And thus, the porn shame continues down its self-fulfilling spiral.
Watching porn isn’t shameful, whether you watch alone, with a partner or a room full of people. But coercing someone into watching porn or watching it in front of them against their wishes is a totally different can of worms. An anonymous 51-year-old woman recently wrote to the advice columnist at The Guardian, complaining that her husband of 31 years has become reliant on porn in order to orgasm and started watching it while they have sex, despite the several times she’s told him it upsets her. “No matter how much we discuss this or I explain my hurt, he continues to do it anyway. I feel useless and no longer attractive,” she wrote.
Mia Khalifa, OnlyFans and the Politics of Ethical Porn
Like any product you buy, it’s important to be informed about the origins of your pornThe columnist, a psychotherapist who specializes in treating sexual disorders, didn’t offer much in the way of concrete advice, aside from, essentially, “seek couple’s therapy.” But this woman’s concerns are shared by scores of others whose partners try to incorporate porn into their sex lives without consent. For one thing, it breeds insecurity and paranoia about a person’s ability to satisfy their partner. Why else would someone want to watch porn during sex when they have a perfectly good, three-dimensional human being right in front of them? Experts say there are actually plenty of reasons.
Choosing to watch porn together might actually improve intimacy rather than threaten it. For one, you might learn things about each other’s desires that you didn’t know before. One survey from 2013 even found that watching porn with a partner helped women find the confidence to ask for what they want in bed, like suddenly having a menu to order from instead of always just being served the house special.
Doing sexy activities together — like watching porn or role playing — builds a feeling of shared adventure. “Watching people have sex is hot in itself, but when you engage in something you don’t usually do with another person, you create an extra element of naughtiness,” sex therapist Vanessa Marin recently told Women’s Health.
So yes, initially asking a partner to watch porn together may be awkward. But nothing is more awkward than having to explain those muffled moans coming from under the duvet.
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