The New Rules of Dick Pics

There’s no real artful way to say this, so I’ll just come out with it: I enjoy a good dick pic.

Now, there are two critical qualifiers regarding the word “good,” and the first one is consensual. When it comes to exchanging pictures with someone, I want consent to be explicit: I need a man to hear me ask before he sends, otherwise it feels invasive and honestly, it kills the mood. Once we’re into a sexting groove, that consent becomes more fluid; sometimes I like to wake up to a racy pic and I don’t expect my partner to text me first thing in the morning to ask if it’s OK, because my desire for that kind of thing has been established.

The second qualifier is thoughtful; I know when a dick pic has been taken with the intent to arouse or impress me, and I know when it’s been given little care. It’s not that I expect every pic I receive to be a Michelangelo, but I at least want to know that the person sending it put forth some modicum of effort to make me feel good.

So how does it feel to be on the sending end of the wanted male nude? I talked to some of my past (virtual) lovers as well as some of my male friends to get some insights. Most men I talked to said they enjoyed sending nudes — some because they simply enjoyed it as an act of arousal, others because they find the experience itself affirming and fun.

Why Men Send Nudes

“For me it’s related to the excitement of turning someone on in person: I like to show off a bit and stir a fantasy if I can,” says Mark, 35. And Robert, 37, says taking nudes is “exciting and hot… What’s not to enjoy about knowing you’re turning someone on who you find appealing?”

Taking and sharing nude photos for me was a critical part of healing and reclaiming my sexual wellbeing after a chronic illness diagnosis, and I know mine isn’t a unique experience among my female friends. On its face, the discourse surrounding male nudes implies their existence is something far baser, and no doubt gendered notions about intimacy and vulnerability account for some of this lack of nuance.

All of the men I talked to confirm that not only do they enjoy taking nudes, but that the experience is enriching. It helps them to feel confident and comfortable in their sexuality and desirability.

Mike, 30, says after a youth riddled with self-esteem issues, sharing nudes with partners was validating and flattering. “I was a bit of a late bloomer, so getting to the point where I felt desirable to people was really satisfying and made me feel nice about myself in a way I hadn’t before. And I think nudes played a role in that for sure.”

Andrew, 25, says the ability to turn someone on through nudes is a thrill. “As someone who has struggled with low self-confidence and sexual repression, the sheer feeling of being turned on by myself feels like freedom,” he says.

And Michael, 27, explained that for gay men, the exchange of nudes takes on a different mood entirely. “As a community, queer men are much more comfortable with sex,” he says. “Grindr or its variants (Scruff, etc.) aren’t like Tinder or Instagram Messenger or Facebook. These apps are more focused on sex. It leads to an environment where nudes aren’t seen as obscene but expected (although consent remains paramount).”

Getting to the Bottom of the Dick-Pic Discourse

The topic of male nudes is relatively fraught. Dick pics evoke a sort of visceral aversion from many, likely because their most common association is with the unsolicited variety, which are — to be unequivocal — a form of sexual violence. (It’s also worth noting and refuting the essentialism baked into this: there are men who do not have dicks and people with dicks who aren’t men, but by and large, the discourse surrounding dick pics refers specifically to those sent by cis men.)

Because of this, there’s a common retort that arrives after an unsolicited dick-pic story unfolds in the news: “No one ever wants to see your dick.” As a woman who often does, the irony is not lost on me that when it comes to the shame and stigma involved in the dick-pic discourse, the eager recipient of a wanted dick pic (in this case, most commonly women) is often just as much of a target as the sender. To be sure, shaming unsolicited dick pics is justice — but shaming the desire to receive and enjoy dick pics is judgmental and prudish and very second-wave, if you ask me.

Andrew argues that to the extent male nudes are considered taboo, men themselves are in large part to blame both for weaponizing them and for being relatively immune to backlash because of their privileged status in society.

“People like me have been essentially defining what is taboo by force since before this land was stolen by colonizers … I feel like male nudes have been used in some pretty aggressive ways. I also know they can be pretty terrible, like just a blurry dick in incandescent lighting. But these feel more like stereotypes to me.”

Michael says that the gaze on the male body is largely absent, which also might contribute to how they are considered less mainstream. “Men aren’t sexualized as often as women. I feel like male nudity is seen as a joke more than anything.”

But Mark says male nudes are stigmatized, “only to the extent that we universalize a negative response to them. Some people swear up and down that no dick pic is ever solicited, wanted or appreciated, which is just transparently inaccurate … The more valid critique might be that a lot of (straight) guys don’t try very hard or think about what makes a good nude, so that the preponderance of dick pics is low-quality. That could partly account for their bad reputation.”

Which leads us to our next and final question: What makes for a quality nude-sharing experience? Why does someone like me ask for a male nude, and what are we hoping to get?

How to Take (And Send) a Decent Male Nude

For me, the attractiveness of a nude essentially comes down to two things: the first being that I’m turned on by men and their dicks, so it’s a logical extension of that that I would want to see them when I’m engaging in sexting.

The second has to do with reciprocity. I’m a giver by nature: I like giving head, and I get off on my partner’s pleasure. But I also make it my business to never engage with someone who is not as invested in my pleasure as I am in theirs. Just because I send someone a nude doesn’t mean they have to return the favor — but sexting, like sex, is about mutual pleasure and enthusiastic consent, so it’s nice to engage with someone who shares my passion for getting the other person off.

I’m fairly giving with my nudes, and I like to think there’s a higher power rewarding me for that, because roughly 90% of the men I’ve sexted with have what I personally consider to be a good dick, meaning it’s the size and shape I prefer. (Of course, when it comes to what makes a good dick, beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder.)

That being said, lest you worry that yours is not nude-worthy, know that I’ve gotten my share of bad nudes of good dicks. Taking a good dick pic is a delicate and at the same time fortuitous undertaking: the composition of your nude makes for roughly 90% of the appeal of it, with your actual anatomy accounting for significantly less consequence. And so, as my gift to you, I’ll leave you with some tips to ensure the next nude you send (after you’ve asked!) gets your partner hot and bothered.

Surroundings: Make sure the area around you is neat and appealing. If you’re in bed, I don’t want to see dirty laundry, and your sheets should be clean, as should whatever you’re wearing (and you!). If you’re in the bathroom, I don’t ever — ever — want to see a toilet. I want to feel like if you brought me home, I’d be able to sleep in your bed and use your amenities comfortably.

Perspective: I’ll probably get flack for this, but I actually don’t mind a straight-up dick pic with nothing else in frame. Given the right lighting and surroundings, it can be hot! That being said, there are certainly more preferable options. Any image where I can see the outline of an erection in boxers or the like is an automatic yes for me; it’s a great tease and it can be a perfect way to start a conversation. I also like a good mirror shot, where I can see more body as opposed to this disembodied organ. Ask your partner what they like — everyone has different turn-ons, and if you really aim to please, you’ll work to incorporate your partner’s preferences. And if you really want to sext like the pros, swipe over from photo to video on your camera and get filming. Watching a partner masturbate can be super hot, but it can also be erotic to see someone in the shower or getting undressed; it puts you in the room and really enhances the allure of the experience.

Sound: I cannot stress this enough: one of the great untapped resources of male sexuality is your voice. I’ve received my fair share of sexy videos, but few get me wetter than the ones where I can hear how much a man is enjoying himself. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be some charismatic dirty talk (though that is never a bad move): throw in some heavy breathing, some moaning — anything to emphasize how turned on your partner is making you.

Et voilà, you’re now ready to go out into the world and consensually, thoughtfully send better dick pics. Godspeed.