Thailand has beautiful beaches bar none. Leonardo DiCaprio thought so. Bridget Jones thought so. James Bond even thought so. I thought so too. I really did. Even in the throws of regular full moon beach parties, trinket peddlers and post-millennials on a pilgrimage to their ode to Brokedown Palace, it really is a tropical paradise.
So idyllic in fact that it’s off the charts popular. According to Instagram Phuket has been hashtagged over six million times and one of the most popular Thai islands, Koh Samui, is holding its own with 1.5 million. That’s a lot of pictures of feet in the sand combined with earth-shattering inspirational quotes.
You know what else is inspirational? An island with a similar vibe, geographically comparable, stunning beaches, turquoise water…and only 60 thousand hashtags…and that’s if you count all the various spellings of Koh Rong Sanloem (Koh Rung Samloen, Koh Rong Saloem, Koh Rong Samlon). Never heard of it? Well, little grasshopper, that is why I’m here. Welcome to Cambodia.
The launching point for the island is from Sihanoukville. Not a particularly memorable spot but Otres Beach is nice and you can get ten squids for three dollars fried for you on a little portable beachside grill and some good curry with your toes in the sand. Getting to Saracen Bay on Koh Rong Sanloem will cost you about $20 round trip and around an hour of your time each way. Most folks will point you toward the pier and help you get the right tickets, which can be a little confusing. Cambodians are lovely people. Before you go, get cash. The islands have no banks or ATMs and most places don’t accept plastic, so paper currency is king. Fortunately, everything is quite inexpensive, so it’s less of an inconvenience. Also, stock up on bug repellent and any medications you might need. Where you’re going is still delightfully void of 7-Elevens, Starbucks, McDonalds, cars or any other symbol of modern-day tourism influx.
En route the ferry may or may not make a stop at Koh Rong, the hipper and more popular of the two islands.You never really know as the ferries do as they please. Stay on the boat unless you want to play volleyball with chiseled Australians. Not a bad thing necessarily, but it’s part of a package deal with noise and light pollution, a party all night atmosphere and lower quality accommodations. If you’re on the budget conscious all-night partying singles travel circuit, this is your stop. If you want a side of unspoiled with your tropical paradise, stay put.
Ten minutes later the boat drops you at the dock on Saracen Bay, named after a British ship that once moored in these waters, where you disembark feeling like you just made landfall on Gilligan’s Island. The two-mile beach looks ever ready for a magazine cover spread and flashes of Brooke Shields in Blue Lagoon pop into your mind. It’s routinely compared to Thailand’s best beaches 30 years ago, but I fear that time gap is quickly closing.
Because my girl gang and I travel like gypsies we arrived on the island per a last minute recommendation and therefore had not pre-booked any accommodations…which is generally a bad idea in high season, but we took our chances. We walked the beach and knocked on doors. Even though this was the Christmas holiday season, when big resorts are usually bursting at the seams, the island felt fairly secluded…even at near full capacity. These resorts resemble nothing of the modern monstrosities looming above some of the world’s finest beaches. Here most of the offerings are charming, peaceful and intimate, set perfectly into the natural lines of the landscape. They blur the divide between jungle and sand with their thatched roofs and uniquely inspired shapes. Pipes and Moonlight are two of the more unconventional offerings on the island both giving a subtle nod to something Dr. Seuss might conceptualize. Don’t count on a whole lot of cell service to do your bidding, electricity isn’t always on and even Orchid, the main pier restaurant and resort…that as a side note serves a mean Round-the-World cocktail…has spotty-at-best wifi. Most places on the island only have electricity for a few hours per day as it comes from generators and solar panels. Get ready to feel marvelously off the grid.
We found a fantastic little basic bungalow at a place that was only bookable via word of mouth…mostly because they had no internet. Sadly it changed ownership shortly after our visit…nothing to do with us as far as we know. Our slice of paradise cost us a whopping $40 a night…which is mid-range as options vary from $10 to over $100. We went fancy with a private beachfront bungalow, two beds, mandatory mosquito netting that makes you nostalgic for your childhood bed tent and our own private bathroom complete with a diversity of geckos…one in particular, that had a much deeper voice than the others. The spot was downright luxurious for remote tropical island standards. Overall Saracen Bay is a perfectly idyllic crescent of gorgeous water and sand so any property you chose benefits from the old real estate adage of location location location. Most of the hotels serve meals and drinks and some even have wifi, albeit making molasses look like Speed Racer. As a personal favor to me, when ordering drinks ask for no straws as Cambodians decorate every cocktail with multiple plastic crap tubes that are then discarded and wash up en masse on beaches after every storm. The island’s property owners are a diversified smorgasbord of nationalities with interesting stories ranging from Poles, Turks and Italians to Australians and Russians. It’s a bit like Epcot World Showcase with more beach dogs and fewer children. Incidentally, the island canines all looked young, fit and healthy. Not an old, sick dog in sight. This pleased us immensely as animal lovers until the owner of our bungalow pointed out that dogs used for food by the locals don’t generally make it to old age. True or not, that realization took up a good two hours of marinating in an existential crisis. Eventually, we recomposed ourselves and wandered off to watch a local boy net fishing, explore the mangroves, peruse for shells and amuse ourselves with exotic beach finds like a deceased puffer fish and sand dollars. Other island adventure options include renting mountain bikes or hiking to the lighthouse through the rainforest with hopes of glimpsing a pied hornbill, native orchids or a Long-Tailed Macaque. We learned the hard way that monkeys bite, and frenzied googling revealed that they carry all sorts of diseases, so get those Instagram worthy pictures from a safe distance. Stand up paddle boards, kayaks and snorkeling gear can all be cheaply rented at several of the resorts and scuba diving is an option for the more ocean savvy.
With hammocks aplenty and water that would make a spa bathtub envious one can’t beat a day of floating and wandering from one set of bungalows to the next for a leisurely food crawl of the island. One of our favorite spots for meals became Secret Paradise Resort. The Polish owners, fed up with their nine to five jobs, hit the eject button on life as they knew it and turned what was supposed to be a vacation into a passion project. The property has gorgeously designed bungalows, and, if you’re into that sort of thing, useable wifi. They served us homemade Vodka, as any respectable Pole should, and we indulged in their menu offerings of fish amok, spicy noodles, fried rice and beef. The fresh mango shakes and coffee hit the spot after spot. Swimsuit season be damned.
Most of the island shuts down relatively early, post a few sunset cocktails, which is just how we like it, but for the more socially ambitious out there it still offers a glimmer of activity. I’ve managed to avoid full moon parties my entire life but on this isolated little isle, I was intrigued. According to the fliers, the event was to take place deep in the jungle, at a location temptingly called Good Vibz with “doors” opening at 9 p.m. Dressed in unfetching MC Hammer pants, headlamps and fanny packs…a look we refer to as “forever single”… we followed the map along the beach, into the jungle and up 400 wooden jungle stairs in such various states of disrepair that they would give anyone versed in American litigious tendencies a panic attack or inspire a reality show simply titled “Death Trap.” With all that said, the 45-minute adventure getting there was the best part. We arrived promptly at 9 p.m. greatly diminishing our coolness factor right off the bat. After two quick laps, realizing that glow sticks, suspiciously colorful cocktails, Patchouli and raves, in general, aren’t our thing, we happily wandered back down the stairs of doom to the beach. The “crowds” were heading up as we were heading down. I can’t imagine that even at full island capacity the party reached anywhere near the critical mass of a smoothie bar at any California Whole Foods. More importantly, how inebriated revelers manage to navigate that trail is a mystery on par with Jimmy Hoffa’s grave.
With our entertainment options fully exhausted, we got naked and jumped into the ocean. Come on people. If you’re on a remote island with tropical water and you can’t swim au naturale in the moonlight with your closest friends, then life just isn’t the daring adventure that it should be. The water lit up around us like the Milky Way inspiring the realization that even under full lunar output, we were floating in bioluminescence. This sent us into a pouncing frenzy diving around in what seemed like suspended animation among the stars, bright blue specks appearing at the slightest movements of our fingers. Dreamy, childlike wonder at its finest.
If Saracen Bay is too “mainstream,” and I use that term loosely, you have a few other options for lodging.
On the other side of the island are two beaches decidedly worth the 20 – 40-minute hike through the jungle. The ferry doesn’t stop there. Some of the lodges offer boat service to pick you up, but if your load is light, it’s a nice stroll. Sunset Beach and Lazy Beach are less crowded and have a completely different vibe than Saracen Bay. As the names imply, they are perfect spots to catch the departure of sunlight and do absolutely nothing…except shoo away the bird-sized mosquitoes that will crowd you like you’re a hot ticket Black Friday sale item. Sunset beach is known for its low key atmosphere while Lazy Beach has developed somewhat of a foodie reputation. Even if you’re not staying there, the walk is enchanting. At night the jungle is full of toads and noises which can be both beautiful and eerie. We were treated to both. The first part of the trek was delightful until the calls of tropical birds blended into a cacophony of noises…including an unnerving whispering, buzzing reminiscent of a cheap 70’s sci-fi foley job that turned out to be thousands of ants moving across the jungle floor in rapacious formation. Ubiquitous amphibians combined with the glowing eyes of large jungle spiders both exponentially growing in numbers as our vision adjusted freaked us out to the point of believing in jungle deities and had us singing So When The Saints Go Marching In at full volume to keep them at bay. I’m not sure why we selected that song in particular as an effective tool for ghostbusting, but we’re living proof that it indeed was. Snakes are probably a more realistic problem than ghosts but we didn’t know any songs to keep those away.
The other overnight option and day trip destination is the working fisherman’s village of M’Pai Bei on the small adjacent island of Koh Gon. The name means Village Number 23 which sounds far less exotic in English than in the Khmer language. It’s less manicured but offers a sense of local identity and a glimpse into authentic daily life. If you feel like tapping into your inner mermaid for some undersea adventure EcoSea Dive & Bungalows can get you certified, suited and submerged. We opted for a long tail boat adventure to the village topped off with some free diving. Boat and gear $15, tasty seafood curry in M’Pai Bei $5, GoPro dropped overboard…$300. Alas, one day someone will find it and Youtube will know the sensation of my sister baptizing the ocean with her partially digested Christmas Eve Cambodian pizza.
Koh Rong Sanloem is one of those secret finds that you feel obligated to share with the world because it’s not fair that only a select few might stumble upon its idyllic charms…but what you really want to do is lock it up in your personal treasure trove and throw away the key. I don’t know that I can ever go back. As I hear of the proposed golf courses and hotels my heart breaks for what I know it will no longer be, but I’m grateful that for a short while longer it’s still a magical, secret paradise where one can frolic in the buff with glowing algae.
Longtail boat adventure to M’Pai Bei (Kinga Philipps)
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